Tuesday, August 5

Dream Dree-eem Dream, Dream Dream Dream

Yes, it's another song lyric for a title.

So, I had a dream last night that Husband was into strip clubs. This is one of those things that he's told me he's not into. That they kind of creep him out. And, I, of course, believe him. However, Husband also told me that he doesn't really like porn and doesn't use it. That turned out to be not so true as is discussed here. So, in my dream, I get all hurt and pissed and feel betrayed. A lot like how I felt when I discovered he was lying to me about the porn in real life. This leads to me waking up feeling all hurt and pissed and betrayed; although all Husband had done was sleep next to me all night. Aren't dreams crazy! Poor Husband. He had to deal with an inexplicably highly emotional wife first thing in the morning. I wonder if I have trust issues.

En knee way yuh, today is the day that I should get my job offer! Oh the butterflies! I already know from my inside track that they aren't going to meet my requested salary. This means there may be some bargaining going on. I want to ask for more time off. I loves me some pto. I'm still going to miss working here a lot, but it's time to move on.

On the exercise front, I didn't get my jog in this morning because I was too busy looking for porn on Husband's computer (didn't find any, yes, I'm pathetic). However, I did go for a long walk last night and do ab work. It's not much, but it's still better than doing nothing. I'm going to a yoga class after work. That is, if my friend CC is also going because Husband and I carpooled today.

Housework front. Hmm. Let's not talk about it.

As for getting preggers, I still half-heartedly track my signs so that I have an update to give my acupuncturist. I still hope that we can get me back to normal. But I'm not sure I want to keep trying right now. I've read on blogs and boards about women who have a heart wrenching time trying for a year and then take a year off. I really didn't get this. I couldn't understand how you could just stop and not think about it all. the. time. How do you ever go through a 2 week wait without obsessing over every possible sign of pregnancy? How do you not force your husband to sex you up every time you have egg white cervical mucus? How do you plan your life when you could get pregnant at any minute? Planning a vacation is iffy. A career? even iffier. Heck, I was scared to buy shoes because what if I got pregnant, my feet swell and then I can never wear them again? No one should ever be scared to buy shoes (especially if they are really cute patent red leather). How do you just turn it off and stop?

I think I'm there. I definitely feel as though pregnancy is not going to surprise us. I've accepted that I probably won't give birth to four babies as I'd hoped. This does make adoption and/or fostering more viable. Which is a good thing because these are things I've always wanted to do anyway. But, most importantly, I'm happy with where I am right now. I love being able to go and see all my friends' babies and be there for them when they need me. (this isn't often, they are all very independent. almost stubborn. you know who you are) And, as selfish as it sounds and probably is, I like being able to focus on me. I like being able to focus on getting in shape and how to organize the house and my career and traveling and starting new hobbies and and ...

Don't get me wrong, I would be thrilled if I turned up preggers tomorrow; but most importantly, I'm not crushed if I don't. My life is not on hold. I'm no longer a skipping record. My needle's been bumped and my song continues, with or without a baby.


  1. NAME THE DAY! And you can have the little rugrat all to yourself...I have an aloe, a ponytail palm and a bunch of other stuff that needs repotting. Inconsistent with looking after a child! And I know you'll do tummy time ;)

  2. Thanks Princess Kate! I like getting kids on loan. It's like playing house, only better.