Wednesday, July 30

Funny joke I read

in the Reader's Digest. Goes like this:

I have a condition called CDO. It's just like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order like they should be.

LOL! It's funny because it's true!

Return from the West

I'm back. I survived. And I still love my in-laws.

For those of you not "in the know" I went on vacation to Big Bend and Carlsbad Caverns last week with husband's family. That is to say, his mom, dad, youngest brother and aunt. That's a total of 20+ hours in a vehicle with them. Turns out, his dad is a talker. Loves to talk about himself and finds himself very interesting. He assumes you do as well. Even if you are wearing headphones.

However my father-in-law has many good qualities and this is the only annoying one; so I consider myself pretty lucky. Also, I think his grandkids will probably like to listen to him. I hope. For their sakes.

Big Bend was BEAUTIFUL! We are definitely going back. We saw a bear! There was nature everywhere. I spotted several Scott's Orioles which are bright yellow and black birds. It was not hot most of the day. Keep in mind, though, that I define hot as 105+ temps and medium to high humidity. I did have to wear the pants portion of my shorts-and-pants with a sweat shirt in the morning. Later on I took off the sweat shirt and eventually removed the pants portion of my shorts-and-pants. The sunset from the basin is one of those spiritual events. I'm still reeling from all the beauty.

Carlsbad Caverns was a really big cave. the end.

Now I am back at work. The drudgery! Once again, productivity is at a minimum. I did manage to get through all my email and noticed that I have voicemail yesterday. I'm so whiny. I still do not have a job offer, though I hear that they are still working on it. Argh! Nothing kills your motivation at you current job like the prospect of a different job. I keep thinking of what processes I'd want to implement right away and what things I need to assess before suggesting any changes. However, none of that is pertinent to what I need to do right now.

On the fertility front... still barren! Isn't that a great word? I just *love* it. Makes me feel like a stretch of bad soil. awesome.

Really, it's just as well that we can't have children right now anyway, because we have been buh-lowing through our savings. I think I have this unconscious idea that if I make it so that a baby would really make life difficult, then we will get pregnant. The problem isn't that I'm not producing eggs regularly and that husband has sperm that fails in almost every way that sperm can fail. The problem is that we are too well prepared. The best way to increase fertility is to not want a baby. That seems to work for a lot of people.

Monday, July 21

Highlights, lowlights

I left work early on Friday because I just could not take it anymore. Husband got the results from his sperm analysis back. He has abnormally low sperm count. I asked him about the mobility and he just looked at me with a pained look on his face. I had thought that it might be a bit of a relief to find out our problems weren't all me. I was wrong. If anything, it just makes pregnancy seem all that more unachievable. We have to make an appointment with an infertility clinic now. I still have not ovulated despite the Chinese herbs. Basically, neither one of us are producing what we need to produce to make a baby. God isn't saying no, he's saying hell no. Oh well, life goes on.

We had a pity party for ourselves Friday, drank way too much. At least I did. Husband had to drive. Then we stayed up late fighting about him looking at porn. This has a back story that we aren't going to get into here. Basically, I don't have a big problem with the porn. I understand that he's a guy and that's what guys do. I do have trouble feeling like he finds me pretty, but I think of that as more of my problem and not his. However, he lies about it. The lying really gets me. It makes me not trust him. It makes a slightly-drunk me use the f*** word a *lot* and ask a lot of questions, while yelling. I accused him of doing that and purposefully lower his sperm count so that we wouldn't get pregnant. I asked him if he was seeing someone else (this is ludicrous, btw). I ranted and released a lot of anger. I also pointed out to him that deleting the history just makes him look guilty. I work in IT and am pretty good at computer forensics. Then we slept, in separate beds. for about 3 hours.

After that I woke up, feeling much better emotionally, slightly headachish and pukey physically. Told him that I still love him and that we'll work through it. He confirmed still loving me. Then we headed off to the lake to spend time with my best-friend-since-we-were-twelve friend. It was just like when we were in junior high, out on the boat with her mom and dad. Only this time we had our husbands along. It was perfect zen happiness for me. And a surprise because this friend now lives far away and I don't see her that often. The cold water shock from the lake was the perfect hangover cure. Well, that and the gatorade and potato chips I ate on the way there. Saturday was a perfectly beautiful sepia day.

Sunday did not include a trip to church. It did include spending copious amounts of money. Why save? We aren't having a kid any time soon. We bought hiking boots for Husband, a pair of shorts and a pair of hybrid shorts and pants for each of us. That's four articles of clothing. I also got quite a bit of housework done. Then we took a 5 mile walk through the neighborhood. I'm happy with Sunday.

Now it's a fresh week. I'm still waiting for my job offer. Still hoping I can put my two weeks in today. I'm excited about vacation starting on Tuesday as soon as I leave here.

Thursday, July 17

Change I can believe in, almost

The interview went well. I get along with my would-be boss and my would-be coworker. I did okay on the technical questions. I won't actually office in the super-cool new skyscraper building downtown; I'll be in the building next door. The users I support are in the super-cool building, so I'll just get to walk over there a *lot*. At the end of the interview, the interviewer said he would get an offer together for me. My fountain of excitement runneth over.

I stupidly tried to go back to work after this three hour interview. I almost cried twice. Then when I decided it was time for me to go home, I did cry in the car before I even left the parking lot. Did I mention that I'm pathetic?

Turns out that after having to talk about myself for 2+ hours, I can't stop. I talked to my brother the whole drive home. Talked to husband for an hour after he got home. Then went to my friends' house and talked to both of them until they went to bed. When I got home, I called mom and talked to her. Followed that up by literally talking to myself, about myself, while trying to get myself to get sleepy and go to sleep. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night.

I think I was in a state of shock yesterday. I've been at my current company for 5 years. That's a long time for me. It's the longest I've been at a job. I think I would've been less shocked if I'd found out I was pregnant. I've been prepared for that change for a year. And, o holy crap, what if I find out I'm pregnant right after starting the new job?

Now I have a CRAP LOAD of work I NEED to get done before Monday (going on vacation Wednesday) so that I won't leave a mess a.) when I go on vacation and b.) when I possibly leave permanently.

Monday, July 14

Two-post Tuesday, wait, it's STILL Monday

This day will never end.

I'm in professional turmoil right now. I met this guy at this party on Friday night. I was witty and looked cute in my Lucky Brand jeans with t-shirt and jacket. We talked for a little while. Realized we had some common friends (okay, friend) and that we both work in IT. Then I remembered that I had had a phone interview with him once a few years ago and he never called me back. Embarrassed, but not uncomfortable laughter ensues. Then he says I should send my resume over because he is in desperate need of a Windows Systems Admin. Well, that's just right up my alley. What's the pay rate? I ask, then choke on my drink. Wow, that's a lot more than I'm making now and I think I'm perfect for the job. Mo money! Mo money! What can I buy next? How BIG can a savings account get? I did not say this. I said hmmm and nodded thoughtfully.

After the party I stayed awake until the ungodly hour of 1 ante meridian thinking about how to interview, what points I'd want to make, how I would approach this kind of position and why they should not only hire me but hire me at middle of their pay range for this position and then thank their lucky stars that they got me soooo cheaply. Keep in mind that I don't even have an interview at this point.

Sunday morning I really want to send my resume. But I think it's too soon and I'll only look desperate. Best to employ the two-day rule. I sent it first thing this morning. And he emailed back right away! We now have a lunch date followed up with a "meet the team" scheduled for Wednesday. I'm going to brush up on windows, AD, etc. because my troubleshooting skills have been deteriorating since I became a web application developer.

I haven't heard back from him with a time and place. This is causing me some anxiety. But not much. He'll email, right? He did like me (and hopefully my resume) didn't he? This is oddly reminiscent of dating. Except no sex. Yet. Shut up, I'm kidding.

Now I've moved on to stressing about how I would tell my program manager that I'm leaving and that I won't accept a counter-offer because it's just time for me to move on. I don't want to stagnate in one place and develop a skill set that is so specialized to the environment that no one else values me as much as my current employer. My program manager is already having to deal with talent walking out the door and budget cuts and heat from all directions. I hate causing another problem for him. But that's how business goes.

I've also started stressing about leaving my support network of friends here. Yeah, they are coworkers, but over the years they've become important to me. I'll miss them. Some of them are like family and one of them actually is family.

I don't even have a job offer yet! I'm so ridiculous. I've also checked to see what buses I could take from Husband's office to where my office would be (really freaking cool, new skyscraper downtown) so that I know how long it would take me to get there. Yes, I'm pathetic.

Life Lessons: The art of good enough

I've wiped the failure of last week from my memory. I'm also not going to acknowledge the fact that we missed church again. I'm just going to focus on prayer and move on. So, moving on....

The house is a wreck. And I don't just mean cluttered. I mean dirty. So, I'm employing two mind sets to deal with this. One is the "good enough" mind set, which we will cover today. I often don't want to do a chore because in order to do it as perfectly well as I'd like would take hours and sometimes equipment we don't own. Therefore, I end up doing nothing. For instance, I needed to get some house work done on Sunday. The kitchen floor really needed some attention. Here's how it breaks down:

What I would normally have done:
Remove the two stand-alone cupboards that we have. Take everything out of them and clean them. Turn them on their sides and clean the bottoms. There are a lot of cobwebs down there. Next sweep and mop the center of the kitchen. Then pull out the fridge and oven. Sweep and mop behind them. Notice that the sides of appliances look dirty. Clean the sides of the appliances. Notice that the underneath of the oven has cobwebs. Experience an anxiety attack because I don't know how to clean the bottom of an oven. Yell at husband to move the appliances back. Get on hands and knees to clean the bottom of the cabinets and curse cobwebs. Try to get cabinets clean. Realize I hate these cabinets. They are crap and will not ever be clean. End up on the computer planning a remodel of the whole damn kitchen because cleaning the old stuff is impossible. I would look like a raging beast that just went on a killing frenzy and isn't sure she's done yet. Husband looks scared and is trying not to move lest I see him.

What I did:
Used sweeper attachment on vacuum to vacuum up dog hair, some cobwebs (curse them! we hates them!) and dirt. Mopped only the parts of the floor I could get to without moving more than the trashcan. I did end up taking my cleaning mit and getting all the dangly cobwebs under the cabinets. I couldn't help myself. But! But! No mental breakdown! Success!

Result: Much cleaner kitchen. Happy Husband. Happy Wife.

So, three cheers for good enough.

Also, I did my run this morning. I'm very pleased with myself :)

Friday, July 11


What a crappy week this has been. I've only exercised once. I haven't cooked anything. We've been living off leftover pulled pork and frozen dinners. I did manage to clean part of the living room and to vacuum. And that's it! Which means I spent an inordinate amount of time sitting in my rocking chair and watching crap television.

There was at least one evening where I spent my time in REI and Barnes and Noble. Hubby and I have decided that we are going to start hiking and camping. We are going to Big Bend with his family in two weeks so we are going to do some hiking there. I'm also in the market for some good binoculars. I want to get back into birdwatching. And by "back into" I mean I want to start. Since I don't think looking at birds with your daddy when you were six really counts.

The weekend ahead...

Saturday, I WILL get up and do a long run in the morning. Then I will shower and head off to my touch up of my Brazilian. Which will be followed by a facial. The facial is a little treat to myself. Expensive? yes. Deserved? oh hell yes. I need something to relax me after the adrenaline rush due to the pain of the touch up. Hubby will have started smoking a brisket by this time. At 2pm I will head off to a how-to-tile class. That is our next step in upstairs-bathroom completion (more on this debacle later). Sunday will be dedicated to church-going and Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, I know that just made some people's heads explode (mmhm, Religious Right). I will also need to do a fair amount of cleaning on Saturday. Wish me the best!

One final note, I hate all you coworkers who ate all the cookies in our cookie jar. Now I have to go scavenge and forage for my breakfast.

Wednesday, July 9

Ho hum Wednesday

July 4th was fun. Got sunburned. Drank with buddies. Did not have hangover. Cooked a lot of food. People liked my food. All was right in the world.

I also started my Chinese herbs on Saturday. I take 8 pills and a cup of really really yummy tea, three times a day. That's a total of 24 pills and three doses of the super-delicious yummy tea.

I have noticed some changes. For instance, I have more cervical fluid (CF) which my acupuncturist predicted. But mostly, I've been super gassy. If I were a teenage boy, I would be in heaven. I probably didn't help the situation by eating nothing but Brussell sprouts for dinner last night. I've had to make several discrete walks outside.

This week seems like it will never. end. I also have way too much work for this week. I'm feeling burned out. :( Close whine tag.

Thursday, July 3

Yeah for Colombia!

Whilst watching the News Hour last night, I learned that the rebel group in Colombia was "tricked" by Colombian military operatives into freeing 15 hostages. This is great news! However, all I could really think about was how the acronym for this rebel group sounds like a substitute curse word. FARC (pron. fark) stands for Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia. Don't worry about the word order. It apparently isn't important. So, why don't you FARC-ing rebels stop FARC-ing killing people and let the farmers grow some FARC-ing food! FARC!

Also, my prediction was right. I was awoken by cramps at 3am yesterday morning. I took yesterday off and self-medicated with some aleve, green tea, cupcakes and water. After a long bout of feeling sorry for myself and physically feeling like life had been sucked out of me, I started to look on the bright side. I have a whole other month (or two) to get in shape before I get pregnant. And! And! A whole other month (or two) of my salary to spend and save.

Oh my FARC-ing goodness! You know that "There ain't no bugs on me" song that is on that one commercial? It just came on my Pandora station. Oh hell FARC-ing no. Apparently that is an actual song by Jerry Garcia. Thumbs down, Pandora, thumbs down.

Tuesday, July 1

Attitude change = Success

I had quite the pity party for myself last night. Complete with two glasses of wine. I keep getting negatives on the tests even though I STILL have not gotten my period. Tomorrow is the day the software will give me a chick. I had a very whiny "why me" attitude. Then I decided I was being pathetic and I needed to stop. However I had already wasted most of the evening at that point.

I did manage to wake up and go on a jog this morning. *cheer* And I'm feeling very good about that. Very good indeed. I've decided that it would be great if I'm not pregnant, because then I can see how fit I can get before getting pregnant. I've clearly decided to obsess over my health instead of pregnancy since I have a greater sense of control in that arena.