Monday, July 21

Highlights, lowlights

I left work early on Friday because I just could not take it anymore. Husband got the results from his sperm analysis back. He has abnormally low sperm count. I asked him about the mobility and he just looked at me with a pained look on his face. I had thought that it might be a bit of a relief to find out our problems weren't all me. I was wrong. If anything, it just makes pregnancy seem all that more unachievable. We have to make an appointment with an infertility clinic now. I still have not ovulated despite the Chinese herbs. Basically, neither one of us are producing what we need to produce to make a baby. God isn't saying no, he's saying hell no. Oh well, life goes on.

We had a pity party for ourselves Friday, drank way too much. At least I did. Husband had to drive. Then we stayed up late fighting about him looking at porn. This has a back story that we aren't going to get into here. Basically, I don't have a big problem with the porn. I understand that he's a guy and that's what guys do. I do have trouble feeling like he finds me pretty, but I think of that as more of my problem and not his. However, he lies about it. The lying really gets me. It makes me not trust him. It makes a slightly-drunk me use the f*** word a *lot* and ask a lot of questions, while yelling. I accused him of doing that and purposefully lower his sperm count so that we wouldn't get pregnant. I asked him if he was seeing someone else (this is ludicrous, btw). I ranted and released a lot of anger. I also pointed out to him that deleting the history just makes him look guilty. I work in IT and am pretty good at computer forensics. Then we slept, in separate beds. for about 3 hours.

After that I woke up, feeling much better emotionally, slightly headachish and pukey physically. Told him that I still love him and that we'll work through it. He confirmed still loving me. Then we headed off to the lake to spend time with my best-friend-since-we-were-twelve friend. It was just like when we were in junior high, out on the boat with her mom and dad. Only this time we had our husbands along. It was perfect zen happiness for me. And a surprise because this friend now lives far away and I don't see her that often. The cold water shock from the lake was the perfect hangover cure. Well, that and the gatorade and potato chips I ate on the way there. Saturday was a perfectly beautiful sepia day.

Sunday did not include a trip to church. It did include spending copious amounts of money. Why save? We aren't having a kid any time soon. We bought hiking boots for Husband, a pair of shorts and a pair of hybrid shorts and pants for each of us. That's four articles of clothing. I also got quite a bit of housework done. Then we took a 5 mile walk through the neighborhood. I'm happy with Sunday.

Now it's a fresh week. I'm still waiting for my job offer. Still hoping I can put my two weeks in today. I'm excited about vacation starting on Tuesday as soon as I leave here.

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