***She also uses the asterisks like this***
- Call me the IT girl. I'm in my thirties. I own a house, three vehicles, a 401k, a roth IRA and a time share in Barbados (hint: I'm lying about one of these things). I have a BS and part of a Master's degree. I vote and base that vote on information I got from somewhere other than SNL. I am not a "girl." Also, I have a name. Try using it!
- Tell me you are getting an error when you try to [fill in the blank], but don't tell me what the error actually says. This one gets me every time.
- Tell me you are getting an error when you, in fact, are getting a message that you need to read. Here is an example of how this goes:
user: I'm getting an error when I try to send email.
IT girl: What's the error say? (notice how this user doesn't tell me what the error is either)
user: Something about my mailbox being full?
IT girl: You need to delete or archive some email. Your mailbox is full you freaking moron! In the future please use the ocular devices you have in your head to read the "error" then parse it using your tiny brain before you call me! These "error messages" are in your native language!
- Call me at 3 a.m. to tell me your email isn't working. Then do not return any of my calls for two days and call my boss to tell him your email isn't working.
- Wait until you are in Romania to try using your VPN to connect to our network and discover that you don't know your PIN. This results in another 3 a.m. phone call with panic thrown into the mix. I know testing before you go requires a small amount of foresight, but try to think ahead. Please.
- Tell me you can't log onto the server. As if we just have the one. Then when I ask you if you are trying to connect to xyz server, you tell me yes, even though you aren't. What you mean to say is "I don't know because I'm a moron." I do not like having to leave my office, jay walk across the street of death and angry drivers, go up 27 floors to your desk to look at your screen and say, "Hmm, that doesn't say xyz server. That says abc server."
- Accusingly tell me your laptop is running slow, you need me to fix it but you can't ever leave your laptop with me because you need it every second of your ineffective day. And copy your manager on the email. I've got news for you. You. are. not. that. important. If you are unable to effectively do your job while being without your laptop for one hour out of one day, then you are not qualified to do your job. You are a work martyr who tries to make up for lack of ingenuity and focus by acting as though you are always working. I call these people George Costanzas.