Friday, October 3

But, we've only just met

I'll recap last weekend later. I have more important things to blog about today. Wednesday we had our fist appointment at the fertility clinic. It was a prime example of how strongly incorrect expectations combined with one little comment from a nurse can greatly effect a patient's attitude. I was under the impression that our appointment was solely to discuss Husband's sperm analysis. Therefore, I was confused about who the "patient" should be on the forms. The nurse informed me that the woman is always the patient even if there is nothing wrong with her. (more on the ludicrousness of this later) So I started to complete the forms with me as the patient. Whatever. She then started to ask me routine questions. One of which was what medications I was taking. I said that I'm taking the herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist. She just kind of smirked and said "He'll (the physician) will make you stop taking them." I just looked at her and politely smiled, thinking, he can't make me do anything. That one statement was enough to get my heckles up. I realize she's just a nurse and she can't analyze every comment she makes throughout the day. It probably shouldn't have affected me as much as it did. But it did.

We then met with the physician. He was pleasant enough. He did not have a high-handed manner. We discussed the herbs and he voiced his concerns and said that he'd prefer I not take them. We discussed my ovulation, Husband's sperm. He explained what I needed to know (mostly that ovulating at day 19 isn't any better for conception than ovulating on day 60, bummer) and referred Husband to a urologist.

He then stood up and said, "well, let's get you on the table for an exam."
My stomach knotted, I felt sweaty. "What kind of exam? Do you mean a pelvic?"
Inner me "You want to do WHAT to me! I don't think so, buddy!"
Him, "um, yes"
Me, "no, I'm not prepared for that today"
Inner me "do not vomit, do not cry, you are fine, breathe"
Him, "that' s not a problem, I can examine you when we do the ultrasound. why don't I just listen to your heart and lungs?"
Me, "yes, that will be fine"
Inner me "do not to hyperventilate. breathe through your nose and out through your mouth. deep breaths. calm."

He finished his exam. We finished with the papers and scheduled our next appointments. Husband and I tried to have lunch together but I couldn't eat. I had no appetite. I had anxious stomach and I didn't know why.

Was I dreading having to go back and be "examined" by a male physician? Was I finally accepting the fact that we have fertility problems? Was I suffering from my latent aversion to being a "patient"? I think it was all of the above.

Some friends of mine had to use IUI in order to conceive their fist child. They used the same clinic and physician that we are using. They told me how she hated the process. While she was being inseminated she was telling the physician how much she hated that they were having to do this and how much she hated him right now. I didn't understand this sentiment at first, but now I do. And I don't want to be in that same emotional boat. I want to be happy and excited about conceiving my child, even if it's not by the traditional method. I needed to change my attitude.

And I mostly have. I'm excited about my ultrasound now. I like looking at my organs! I'm going to finish my herbs for this cycle; but I've spoken with my acupuncturist and she said it'll be fine to stop them. I'll probably have to take clomid. But in the end, we will hopefully get to be parents and have our lives changed forever. And that will give me something totally new and different to be stressed about.

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