Getting better

Husband and I are doing much better. I'm a very high maintenance woman and he's learning how to maintain me :)

I'm also exercising again (read: I exercised last night for the first time in 4 months). I'm going to try to do the TTapp bootcamp and workout everyday for 4 days. Yesterday was day 1.

I also learned on Friday that the thing I thought I had screwed up, I really hadn't. In fact I had fixed the data so that exceptions don't need to be made anymore. And my boss asked me for a description of all the financial work I do! This is so that he can post a job for a financial person to come and do that part of my job! I'm so very happy and excited about that. I'm not touchy-feely, but I might hug this person when they show up. Heck, I might kiss their feet.

We also made it to church on Sunday. So all around, marriage is better, work is better and spirituality is better!

Challenging and Difficult Times

These are some challenging and difficult times. I'm not making a social/political statement, but rather a personal one.

I feel like I'm struggling in my marriage, at my job and spiritually.

I firmly believe that love is a cycle. Part of that cycle is being "in love", followed by just regular love, followed by not being in love. At which point, you decide you are committed are will keep loving this person. That decision can be hard to make at times, especially when you feel like the other person doesn't love you back and isn't trying.

It's very cliche, but I know our problems stem from a lack of successful communication. Knowing the problem and knowing how to fix the problem are really two different things. We'll keep working at it and we'll end up a better couple than we were before. The getting there is the hard part.

I really need help at work. I'm overwhelmed. I only work 40 hour weeks, but that's because even if I were to work 80 hour weeks, I still wouldn't get it all done and I'd still be overwhelmed. I'm starting to find mistakes that I've made because I just don't have enough time. It's very hard to tell my boss about these. I hate it when people have a high opinion of me and then I let them down. It's very hard on my fragile psyche.

This Saturday we are going hiking and birding with my parents. I'm really looking forward to being outdoors and doing something that will hopefully take my mind off work.

Another happy post

We just had a *great* weekend. The boy was out-of-town visiting his friends and family. I went to the farmers' market on Saturday, then spent the rest of the day either napping or playing video games. I needed some self-indulgence. I have also quit planning our fertility. I told husband that I'm willing to keep trying and to explore IVF, but I'm not planning it. I'm not deciding when we do it or when we stop. That made me feel much better. I'm tired of driving the fertility bus. We are also going to wait another month before we try more IUI. Husband started clomid awhile back and we want to give it time to work. He can already tell a difference (wink wink, nudge nudge). So that is encouraging.

I've been making myself green smoothies everyday (remember, when I say everyday, I really mean most days). As a result, my skin looks much better.

I laid out in the sun (in a super-small bikini, but that's a story for another time) with no sunscreen for an hour yesterday. I did. not. burn. I attribute this to the increased amount of vitamin D that I'm taking. I taking weekly doses of cod liver oil and a prescription supplement. Instead, for the first time in my life, I have a slight tan that is not post peeling sunburn. The extra sun and vitamin D (which I took after some neglect just yesterday) may even be why my mood on Sunday was much improved over my mood on Saturday (darkness and death).

Now I just need to get back to exercising...

Now for some of the happy...

My 19 year old nephew, let's call him Nephew (sometimes I will also refer to him as the boy), is living with us! He moved in back in January. Long story short, he made straight F's for his first semester in "college" and his parents were/are mad at him. He wasn't leaving his bedroom, he wasn't getting a job, he just wasn't living life. I decided (and confirmed with friends and family) that he needed a change of scenery. So Husband and I asked him to come live with us. I did run this by my sister (his mom) first, but probably did not have enough discussion with her and his dad. They have some hurt feelings right now; but I'm confident we can get past it as a family.

The first two and a half months were a little rough. Him adjusting to us, us adjusting to him (no more spontaneous sex on the couch). He didn't have a car at first because his parents didn't want to give him his car until after he got a job. I said that's kind of like telling someone that after they chop down a tree, then you'll give them the axe, but whatever, that's how they wanted to punish him.

He eventually did get his car back after a lot of walking and buying a bus pass. And then he got a job! Oh happy day! The boy has positive cash flow! He can start paying us rent!

We also took him to an open house at the Art Institute, which he promptly fell in love with. It's a super freaking expensive education, but it's also an industry-driven education which means the likelihood of employment on graduation is extremely high. I verified that he will be getting a bachelors degree, not just a certification. Husband verified that the institute was certified by some Southern college and university place. So, basically, it's a legitimate education. Credits transfer and what not.

Yesterday we completed his application process. He turned in his portfolio, which he completed in the nick of time. Right now, I'm just thankful that it was completed and turned in on time and am not going to worry too much about the last minuteness of it. We now have 3-4 days before we know if he's accepted.

I really don't think he won't be accepted. He has the skill set to succeed and the financial resources to pay for school. He is applying for the BA in Game Art Design, which is a new program, so they need people in it, and they need people in it who are going to make the school and the program look good.

In other news, I bought a fancy blender and have been making green smoothies in the mornings. Delicious!

I'm back! Let the pity party continue...

So, the last post wasn't the most positive one I've ever written. This won't be either.

I'm still not pregnant, despite the fact that we've done an IUI every month since December and our numbers have looked good each time. I'm feeling discouraged as is Husband.

I got the recommendations to IVF physicians from our current physician. They are both men. I don't like working with male physicians when it comes to my female area. By "don't like" I mean the thought of it makes me nauseous. I also don't know how I feel about spending that kind of money on a 10% chance.

Husband still won't discuss adoption.

I turn 34 this year.

There are other, more positive, things for me to blog about. And I will get to those, but I wanted to get the bad news out first.

Habit Forming: Fail

This week has been full, and I mean chock full, of fail. I started the week with one kind of sick (bathroom) and am ending it with another kind (sinuses). There was about a six hour break between the two. I had to miss a lot of work, and this is not a good week for me to miss work. I only exercised once and ate out one time over my limit. Since I was waking up late and in a fog, I also did not do my Bible reading in the morning.

Fail.

Fail.

Fail.

Usually, at this point, (this point *always* happens), I give up and decide that I just suck at being a human being and I shouldn't try. I would completely throw in the towel.

This is how things will be different. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to throw in the towel. I'm going to start back up on Monday as though this week never happened. I will keep working out, taking my lunch and reading my Bible. I am a grown up and I can do these things.

Right?

Why does this always happen?

I always have the best intentions of getting to church on time. The early service starts at 8:45am which is a good hour past the time I manage to make it to work every morning.

I think that hour is the problem.

It gives me time to do things. Like shower, make coffee, notice that I have the liquid I drained off the pumpkin puree I made from real pumpkins, have an idea to use it to make a pumpkin spice latte (I'm a genius!), make the latte, relish it and enjoy the fruits of my genius, remember I wanted to record a recipe for homemade pumkpin spice marshmallows (I know!) and then search for the recipe online at epicurious (but only after I picked out two sweaters on Old Navy's site, read the reviews about all the pilling and then decide not to buy the sweaters after all) and record the recipe in my new recipe software.

What?

A whole hour has gone by! When did that happen?

We need to leave in 10 minutes to make it in time for early service. My hair is still wet and in a towel. Husband is still asleep. I'm reading blogs.

Late service starts at 11am. Which gives me two more hours. I need to get the pot roast started. I'm going to write a blog post (apparently). Maybe I'll finish the second round of Christmas cards. I could trim Kaya's nails (that's my dog, btw). Oh wait, no I can't because we need to buy batteries. I need to make a shopping list. I have 17 empty picture frames. I can start filling those. It's amazing what I can accomplish right before church.

I'm definitely making another pumpkin spice latte.

Some good old vintage whine

Here I am at the end of another work day. It's still a little early for me to go home. Mostly because Husband and I carpool and he's not here yet. However, my brain is done. So completely done. I feel surrounded by problems right now. None of which are under my control. All of which are impacting me. Grrr.

Yesterday I called a sex hotline in a meeting on speaker phone with about nine men in the room. It was one number different than the conference bridge we use. I should've known something was wrong when the recording started off with a woman saying "Hey there sexy gentleman" but I just thought my company was trying some radically different advertisement campaign. Then I started to verify the number because the number I had dialed was still on the display. Then the recording woman informed all the sexy gentlemen that there were h@rny girls waiting to talk to them right now. That's when I frantically started mashing buttons to hang up the phone. Why it took me that long to figure out what I'd done, I don't know. It's the first time I've ever called a sex hotline.

I'm in homebody mode right now. I just want to be home. I want to do things at home and be in my surroundings. I want to make another pie (pumpkin this time!), I want to do my workout, I want to do my laundry, play my computer games, watch my anime, read my books, listen to my music, finish my Christmas cards, organize the sofa table, the list goes on. (and on and on)

It will be Sunday before I get the kind of time in my house that I want. Sunday. That's not until next month.

Tonight I'll get home, start the deviled steak, switch the laundry, workout, shower, eat (while watching anime), then it will probably be time for my pre-bed reading which is followed up by going to bed. Sigh. Just not enough time. I do not know how working mothers get it all done, I really don't.

Habit Forming: Exercise and Bible Reading II

Exercise habit is going great! I'm enjoying my XBOX as I type :)

I'm gradually increasing the duration of exercise each day, but I still only need 10 minutes to qualify for XBOX time. There are some evenings when 10 minutes is just all I can do.

Here are my sources for exercise:

• 10-minute solutions: Pilates (video)
  
• The T Tapp basic workout (video)
• Wii Fit
• www.bodyrock.tv (awesome!)
• jogging (C25K iPhone app)
• walking (as a cool down)
• bikini bootcamp (book)

As I may have posted earlier, I've completed the Bible. Now I want to reread it and record the verses that I particularly like or find interesting. I just need to buy the journal.

TTC: How many is too many?

Monday I had four follicles.

Today I have twenty. TWENTY.

The probability that I would get pregnant from an IUI cycle shot up dramatically.

So did the probability that I would have multiples. And we aren't just talking twins.

Since Husband and I aren't comfortable with selective reduction, there will be no IUI this round.

I was very disappointed with this news and I cried some.

However, really bad news would be no response at all. At least we know that the shots work for me. I just need less.

There's always an upside!

TTC: Update

I've started the shots.

I went in last Friday to checkout the ovaries one more time. The cysts were gone.

I took my first shot Friday evening. Husband gave it to me. I'm a chicken.

Saturay, Husband wasn't home. It was just me and my friend Abby (not her real name). I first tried to convince Abby to give me the shot. I could tell she really didn't want to. She had given her sister one of her fertility shots. According to her sister, Abby doesn't do well with giving shots. But, according to any older sister, the younger sister doesn't do anything well, so I was willing to give her a try. In Abby's words, her sister can't stop being her sister, but I could stop being her friend.

So, Abby was out.

That left only me.

Me and a large syringe with a seemed-small-at-first-but-not-so-much-now needle. Strange how a needle seems large only when you have to stick it into your stomach.

After eleven minutes of deep breathing, staring at my stomach and counting to three several (several) times, I finally stuck it in. Only it didn't go all the way in. So I pulled it out. I then had to stick it in again and push until it was all the way in.

When I finally did it, I realized that I'm a drama chicken. It's really not that bad. It doesn't hurt at all. The dose I'm taking is so small, it doesn't even leave a bump.

So there we are. I've had three shots and went in today to see how the ovaries are reacting. It looks like there are four that are doing well. Now, the probability that all four will get fertilized and implanted is low. Heck, even the probability that one will get fertilized and implanted is low.

Something about doing the shots makes it seem like we leveled up in the fertility game. Like, now we are serious. Now we are in the big leagues.

It's exciting.

Habit forming: Exercise

Yes. You read that right. Exercise.

I feel like my lunch habit is under control. I'm reliably packing my lunch and not eating out more than twice a week. Creating a habit of exercise has been my Everest. And I am finally going to conquer it! I have a plan! And I have a really good rewards system! My rewards system is my barefooted sherpa who doesn't need oxygen and can, literally, metabolize thin air.

So far I've exercised every day this week for 10 minutes.

Side note: Some of you may be scoffing at only exercising for 10 minutes. But, if you take the number of minutes I exercised last week, multiplied that by infinity, it would still be less than 10 minutes. So, in a very mathematical sense, I've increased the time I spend exercising by infinity percent. So there!

I even got my 10 minutes in on Monday night when I got home late and had to cook dinner (oriental cabbage rolls, yum).

What's my secret? Video games, Netflix and Hulu. I'm not allowed to enjoy any of them on a weekday unless I've exercised. I only get them on the weekend if I exercised all five days that week.
Very. Motivating.

I shall see how this goes. If it goes well, then I'll start increasing the duration of exercise. As it it, I have sore abs and thighs. Yes, I'm that out-of-shape.

Camping and other stuff

We went camping this past weekend and it was great! We bought a new tent, one that could fit our air mattress this time, and discovered that our air mattress leaks badly and ended up sleeping on the ground anyway. Again.

Our new tent is water tight. We got a bit of rain. We were predicted to have 50 mph winds and hail, but we stuck it out. This is Texas. Weather is iffy. We knew that a prediction for hail could mean perfectly clear skies, or wrath-of-God style hail with tornadoes. We got the former.

Highlights of camping out: bacon and eggs cooked over a fire in the morning, falling asleep to the sound of the breeze through the cottonwood leaves, seeing the non-Texans react to the armadillo that visited us each night, building a fire from the previous night's coals, time with friends.

Also, I think the video game, Culdcept, is one of the best things to happen to me a long time. The game is made up of short segments, boardgame style. So after my turn, I have to wait for my opponents to have their turns. During this time, I get up and do stuff. My house is a lot tidier. My laundry is pretty much caught up. My lunch gets packed. It's awesome. Who knew playing a video game would bring out the adult in me?

Oh my goodness, am I becoming a lady?

I'm reading a guest post over at Empowered Traditionalist. It's on being a "lady," which I have never considered myself to be. Am I a capable woman? yes. Am I a professional? most of the time, yes. Do I embrace my femininity? yes. (Except when I wear men's sweat pants. That's not so feminine.) But I have never considered myself to be a lady. To me a lady has a house that is always perfect. Knows how to always look just-so. Can hostess any event. Is always polite. Is never offensive.

But then I read this:

"Whether or not you wear linen after Labor Day, the essence of being a lady is an others-oriented mindset. A lady is both regimented and flexible; compassionate and strong. A lady reaches out to others by disciplining herself."

Hmm. Regimented flexibility and self discipline is exactly what I'm trying to instill in my life. Maybe I'm trying to become a lady without even realizing it. Of course, this really hinges on the definition of the word.

But there is also this little list:

• A lady always respects other people’s time whether at the office or at home
  That I do! Always!
  
• A lady returns any item she borrows in a timely manner
  Hmmm. No so much. My fix, I don't borrow.
  
• A lady never points out the imperfections of her mate to others
  Epic. Fail.
  But I'm working on it.
  
• A lady turns off her cell phone at an event or dinner out
  Yeah! I do this!
  
• A lady uses her turn signals when driving
  That's not being a lady. That's just not being a moronic ass-wipe. (Typing ass-wipe probably precludes me from ladyship.)
  
• A lady does not wear clothes so revealing they embarrass others
  Um. I don't think I do this. Some people have been aghast at the whiteness of my legs.
  
• A lady does not wear linen before Easter nor after Labor Day
  Done! I don't own linen.
  
• A lady does not brag, whine, nag, or gossip
  Hmmm. Well. Anyway.

So, I think my point is that maybe I'm on my way to being my version of what a lady is. Maybe being a lady doesn't mean having a museum perfect house, but a house that is welcoming. Maybe ladies aren't perfect hostesses, but are willing to hostess and show hospitality. Maybe she isn't perfectly dressed all the time but just takes pride in her appearance.

I'm not giving up my men's sweat pants, though.

TTC: Update

I started my new cycle last Thursday. I had an ultrasound to check out the ovaries on Friday. I had called ahead so they knew I wanted to start the shots this cycle if the timing was okay.

Turns out I have a cyst on my left ovary. Which means I didn't ovulate last cycle (no surprise there). It also means that I can't take fertility shots this cycle. I'm taking a low level birth control pill in order to dissolve the cyst.

So, we get another break. We are going to be camping on the days we would've needed to go in for IUI's anyway. Now I don't have to stress over whether to push the IUI's out or to cancel our trip. And Husband gets another month of his shots. The more, the better in that arena.

On to the next cycle!

Habit forming: Bringing my lunch

Good news! I got my chicken salad made last night and have my lunch made for the next two days!

Husband has perfected the chicken system. We buy a whole chicken every two weeks. He will use our rotisserie oven to make delicious roasted chicken with crunchy skin and juices (drools...). We usually eat a quarter to a half of the chicken the night it is roasted. Then he will pull all the remaining chicken meat off the bones. All the rest of the chicken (bones and skin) goes into the big crockpot with some onions, celery, carrots, bay leaves, etc. This is simmered for 24 hours. Soooo yummy.

Anyway, we almost always have some cooked chicken meat in the fridge. I use this for casseroles like King Ranch Chicken or pot pies. But now, I've started making what I call Fridge Chicken Salad.

I cut up the chicken and put it in the food processor. Then I add things that I have in the fridge (or pantry). The first time I did this it was homemade ranch dressing an roasted red peppers. Last night I used some celery, mayo, mustard, cracked pepper and homemade pickle relish. Pulsed it a few times to mix. Now I have about 2.5 cups of chicken salad. That's enough for a few sandwiches. If I could get this done on Sunday, then I would have a week's worth of lunch ready to go.

I'm feeling very proud of myself at the moment.

TTC and other stuff

Last night I was researching adoption from Poland. I followed that up with research on fertility shots for women. I'm going to talk to my physician about starting up shots this next round. Husband's shots are going well. I'm very hopeful that we will get to have twins. Fingers crossed!

This past weekend we went to Dallas to celebrate the birthday of a friend. We had a great time and ate a lot of food. I discovered maple blueberry sausage. Absolutely delicious!

I planted lettuces in a container and guess what they are doing? They are growing! Just like happy little plants. I've even eaten some of them! And, and, my green bean plant? It is growing! Even has very tiny green beans on it! Oh, the joy! I'm growing vegetables! I'm not really sure why this makes my cup of joy overflow, but it does.

I need to make snacks for bible study tomorrow night.
I have no idea what to make.
I will have to spend some time on recipezaar.com today. I might even head over to pioneer woman.

I'm currently working on habit forming. I think I probably will be for the rest of my life. Right now I'm trying to form the habit of bringing my lunch. Luckily, my fantastic brother-in-law bought an XBOX game for me for my birthday. I *love* this game. So, I use it as my incentive/reward to bring my lunch. Starting Monday, if I eat out three times during the week, I don't get to play my game again until the next Monday. That means I miss a weekend of playing. Argh! I'm on week 2 of this and so far, so good. Today is a bit of a hiccup. I was running late and hadn't made my lunch and decided this will be day #2 of eating out.

Next up on the habit forming is exercise.

Bible reading is still going strong. I just finished 2 Peter this morning. I only have 5 books to go. Then I'm going to start over with Genesis and take notes.

My favorite things

I absolutely love this time of year. Season changes are so invigorating for me. I always feel so motivated, so energized, so not how I normally feel.

Fall makes me want to be home with the windows open, music softly playing, tea steeping, dogs sleeping, breeze drifting, bread baking, rocking chair rocking softly and feeling like everything is right in the world.

Needless to say, sitting in my cube with the halogens overhead and the overconditioned, cold air is a far cry from where I want to be. Luckily it's end of month, so I'm naturally reactively busy. I don't have to be proactively busy right now.

Here are some of the things that keep drifting through my head right now:

• butternut squash soup with rosemary and gruyere croutons
• camping trips
• pansies and violas
• falling leaves
• the apple cider I make in the crockpot with butter in it. mmmmm butter.
• the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies I have at home now. I make them with lard. mmmmm lard.
• comfy sweatshirts
• classical piano music and how I should start playing piano for 15 minutes a day
• naps on the couch
• how much I can't wait to have kids during fall
  

TTC: The adoption option

I'm not ready to give up on having a biological child. There are still a lot of options for us down that road.

But I'm still ready to start exploring adoption. You may have noticed that I have a link to a blog done by an adoption counseling agency added to my blog list.

I need something to focus on other than what my temperature is every morning and checking the toilet paper every time I wipe to see if maybe today I'll have fertile mucus.

I haven't ovulated this cycle and I'm showing not signs that I'm going to.

That was really hard for me to type.

TTC: Taking a break

Apparently Husband is the first person since the beginning of time to require the rHCG shot. The Walgreens pharmacy we usually use didn't have the prescription. We then asked if another Walgreens had it. They didn't. They won't even order it for us.

We tried to get them straight from the Doctor's office. After all, it's the same shot they give me once a month to ensure ovulation. Wrong. The dosage is different and they use a prefilled syringe for me.

The wonderful nurse we work with found a pharmacy in Austin, close to our house that does carry the prescription. Only the syringes are not prefilled. The pharmacy tech was supposed to train Husband on giving himself the shot when we picked up the prescription. Only he couldn't because no one knew the dosage. Argh! Face palm.

In light of this, we are not going to do an IUI this cycle. We are going to give the shots some time to work on Husband and we will try again next cycle.

That's not "technically" a break from trying to conceive, especially not after what we did last night (wink wink). But I don't have to get my follicles checked or schedule two more appointments for the inseminations. That's also about $200 we will save.

Babies are expensive.