Tuesday, February 23

Take your anti-depressant of choice before reading

Then share them with me.

I'm on day 2 of my cycle. I figured something was up when I cried at my desk on Thursday. "Feels like PMS" I thought.
Or! Maybe I'm emotional from all the pregnancy hormones racing through my body!

I also had slightly tender boobs. PMS. gloom.
Or! My boobs are gearing up to be milk machines! joy!

By Sunday I had confirmed spotting. Just the start of another cycle. Sick to stomach from sadness.
Or! Really late implantation! Sick to stomach from excitement! Wait, sick to stomach? That's clearly morning sickness!

Saturday topped all this off with me inadvertently watching a show where two women start talking about accepting life with no children and how "accepting" is different from "knowing." Oh yeah. I lost it. Bawled my eyes out.

And the cherry was when Husband decided to be a very big ass, specifically to me, on Sunday. In front of people. Who were guests in our house. (He apologized this evening. Two days later.)

I took some of the least-expired Aleve we have (for cramps) and went to bed.

This all built up to me staying home from work yesterday to have a day of self. Self pity. Self indulgence. Self loathing. With an extra helping of the self pity.

Clearly, I'm grappling with reality and have a weak grip. I feel like composure is a very fragile facade. On the inside I'm a wreck of a human being.

I'm still a little stuck in the self pity/self loathing cycle. One leads to the other and back again. It goes like this:

Pity: I feel so sorry for me.
Loathing: Man, I hate myself. How pathetic.
Pity: Woe is me! I can't have a baby!
Loathing: I'm such a whiner. I hate whiners.
Pity: Wah! sob sob sob...
Loathing: I'm the worst person ever. I don't deserve a baby.

I started researching books on adoption. That did not help things. Not at all. Consequently, I desperately need to hear stories about adopted children who grow up to be normal adults. If anyone can contact me with people who were adopted and are well-adjusted and happy, that would be nice. Because reading the reviews for adoption books convinced me that any child I adopt will be scarred for life and no amount of love will fix it.

I don't know why this cycle has hit me so hard, but it has. I've actually been crying while writing this post. It's ridiculous. I've had horrible headaches from the crying for the last few days. Looks like I'm going to have another one tonight.

I promise to be happier for my next post. I have to be, because this cannot last. And I don't really want to take anti-depressants.