The Education of an Ignorant Woman

I don't know about you, but I have a *lot* of unwanted hair. It's always an ordeal for me anytime I want to wear shorts, much less a swimsuit. I have to decide what's more unsightly, big black wiry hairs on My upper thighs and bikini area, or red angry bumps. It's something I've been self-conscious about since my teen years. It has definitely affected my lifestyle. I don't go swimming spur-of-the-moment and rarely go swimming at all. When I do, I usually end up wearing shorts. I don't like to wear lingerie, because I don't look "sexy" with the poof. The list goes on.

Well, I decided to do something about it. I was going to get a bikini wax. Then I thought, well, why do a bikini when a Brazilian seems to drive men crazy and it's just a narrower strip of hair. Right? Wrong. So. Very. Wrong. Considering how giddy and distracted my husband was, I should've known I was mistaken. Considering that the esthetician (girl who did the hair removing) asked me to remove my underwear, also, should've at least led me to ask a question.

But, no. I didn't really get what was going on until a large chunk of hair had been removed from my labia. By then it was too late. And she didn't stop there. Apparently there was hair on my INNER labia that had to go as well. That, also, was not enough for this perfectionista sadist. She then asked me to put my knees up to my chest. I naively thought, oh, maybe this helps to dull the pain. Wrong Again! It was so that she could get to my asshole! "Don't worry," she said, "this part never hurts as much as people think it will." Sadist that she is, she is not a liar. It didn't hurt as bad as the labia and whatever you call the area immediately surrounding the vagina.

So, for the good of all women out there. Here is what I learned.

• A brazilian is EVERYTHING. You will look prepubescent afterwards. Think how you were at eight.
• DO NOT USE WAX! I was sugared, and I honestly believe the process would've been a hell of a lot worse with wax. I've had my legs waxed before. I didn't have nearly the angry skin reaction with the sugaring that I do with wax.
  
• You will bleed. But, according to the esthetician, that's a sign that the follicles are being damaged and will be less likely to produce more hair. Yeah for bleeding!
  
• Baby powder is your friend. She used a lot of cornstarch (no talcum) baby powder and suggested that I continue to use it to keep the area dry. Especially when I workout. Which I haven't done since the removal. Today will be the day.
• When booking your appointment, ask if they have any numbing cream you can use. If they don't, find a different spa. If they do, go in the day before and buy the cream. Ask them how you should use it. Don't assume the instructions on the tube are good enough.
  
• Take some Ibuprofen prior to your appointment. This was a tip from a friend of mine who has been having these done for awhile.
• Wear a skirt to your appointment. You will not want to wear jeans or pants after.
  
• Expect the most mind-blowing pain ever. Imagine what it would be like to have the skin removed in that area instead of just the hair. There will be a tearing noise.
  

When I got home, my husband looked like a schoolboy who had just learned he was getting an XBOX 360. In a sense, he was getting a whole new thing that he can play with and have hours of fun. I told him there would be no action for at least a day. He asked if it was all red "down there." I said yes it was, but for all I know that's normal. I hadn't seen "down there" for close to twenty years.

Here are a few of the things I've noticed since having it done:

• Baby powder is your friend.
  
• Farting feels very different, I can't quietly sqeeze them out like I used to and they are much louder. Apparently hair has some sound dampening qualities. This may lead to some embarrassing moments today at work. I'll keep you posted.
  
• Sex feels different. Different good.

I have scheduled my "touch up" appointment three weeks out. Supposedly they get easier and less painful. I have a feeling it's like the difference between cutting off your whole hand vs. a finger. It's still going to hurt. a lot.